It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive