“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
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Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Pringles
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.