It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.