It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
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Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
jesus christ confetti not now
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?