It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
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My life coach traded me.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*