It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
definitely did not do anything wrong
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.