It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?


Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc


[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction


court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.


“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
u bought 100 eggs


*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*

What are you doing!?

W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here


The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.