Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.

cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy

When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK

“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.

5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!

Cookie.

There, happy now? You cunts.

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…

Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.

What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

[day 3: stuck in elevator]

girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon

me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

“You want crumbs with that?”

-My bed, every night.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-

ME: Launchpad McQuack

HIM: I don’t think you underst-

ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock

Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k

The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*