Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.

I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

M: I’m gonna go relax

H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help

I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.

Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.

Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.

[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar

judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

I didn’t realize that was an option

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

Her: I’m leaving…

Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.

Her:…for the store.

Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]

Dog: I guess I could protect you?

Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket