It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.