It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Coffee for people with no kids
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.