It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
You Might Also Like
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Go girl power!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
They did not think through this water fountain
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff