It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Happens to everyone.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
