It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
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ready to be harvested
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
I have discovered a lipstick which is guaranteed to help with weight loss
It’s called Elmer’s All Purpose Glue Stick
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.