It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword