It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
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911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
The biggest mystery of our time
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it