@StuffDudesLike1

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

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@clichedout

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere

@TheBoydP

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

@Darlainky

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

@Darlainky

Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.

@PinkCamoTO

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

@KimmyMonte

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

@DavidKlein5

People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.

@AtticusFinch79

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads