“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
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What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.