It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
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16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.