It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
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HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water