It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Alien 1: Was Earth enjoyable?
Alien 2: Indeed. I landed in the city of “Ghetto.” Locals bestowed upon me the title of “E.T. Lookin Nigga.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward