It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.