It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.