It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
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In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Cool shirt 🙂
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off