It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
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I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD