“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
You Might Also Like
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.