It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
You Might Also Like
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”