It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
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To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
NASA has no chill
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Mad Max Arctic Road
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.