it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Guy who likes music
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.