It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt