It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Dance like you’re not the father
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
you stereotypes are all alike