It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?