It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.