It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
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Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*