it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
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My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”