@UnFitz

It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.

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@Andr6wMale

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

@mom_needsalife

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

@heatherlou_

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

@Lisabug74

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

@rickkondell

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

@aveuaskew

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

@HeyoShellz

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream

@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.