It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking