Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
“Some form of ancient mop”.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
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Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.