“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis