“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
I love you…
…r dog.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?