@birbigs

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

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@Lipgloss_Nerd

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

@Bownuggets

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

@sixthformpoet

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

@AmberTozer

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

@teddywah

Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

@HollyHeals

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

@shaztaberry

I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.

@sbellelauren

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person