My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.
(For Judy in Accounting)
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person