Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
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“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.