@RobDenBleyker
@runjhunmehrotra Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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@runjhunmehrotra 
@UnFitz “You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
@HomeWithPeanut Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
@djdarrellripley I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
@ThisOneSayz The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
@onion_an Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
@richforri I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
@LurkAtHomeMom Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
@AmishPornStar1 Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
@OneFunnyMummy Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.