@RobDenBleyker

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

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@UnFitz

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

@HomeWithPeanut

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

@djdarrellripley

I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.

@ThisOneSayz

The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.

@onion_an

Me: What music you into?

Date: I love hip hop

Me: Yeah me too

[thinking of something to say to impress her]

Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin

@richforri

I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE

@AmishPornStar1

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

@OneFunnyMummy

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.