“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Always 🥴
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what