it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
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Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky