It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing