it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Mornin. * use accordingly
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Potatoes were such a good idea
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.