it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

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I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.


Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it


MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]


A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number


Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance


I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”


I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.


This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper


I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets