it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.