It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
You Might Also Like
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Sign at work today
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.