It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.
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Story of my life…..
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
what’s in a name?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children