@jon_snow_420

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

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@_wangwe

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

@pixelatedboat

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

@NYC_Blonde

If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.

@ScrewedTik

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

@mean_crow

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

@Smooheed

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

@BatBatshitcrazy

My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.

Me too, I replied.

@causticbob

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

@eminmien

“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”

@DanLaMorte

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them