it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
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My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
This is my pinned tweet
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.