It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I saw this ending much differently.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.