It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
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I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️