It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
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tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
We need to put an American base on the sun
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Love this one 😂🧟
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs