It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
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Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.