It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
You Might Also Like
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Clients after you give them your rates
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Very good! 👍😂
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.