It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.