it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please