It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
A little too much information.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
doc: it’s still March
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game