It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money