JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Dog: Time to take me out
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…