@RobDenBleyker

It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?

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@girlfr0g

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

@LoveNLunchmeat

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

@ArfMeasures

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

@HomeWithPeanut

Dog: Time to take me out

Me: Ok

[5 minutes later]

Me: [calling dog to the front door]

Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]

@NewDadNotes

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

@ArfMeasures

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

@BoomBoomBetty

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…