“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

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Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no


*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*


If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.


Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.

You may want to rethink that.


There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.


Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.


ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships


[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason