It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
No way!
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.