It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.